I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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