barbara walters just said penis...
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
