I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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