If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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