A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
What drink are we having for lunch?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
