it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
