Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Randomize
