I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
