Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
