oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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