I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
