Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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