woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
