Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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