my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
