I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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