I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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