Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
