I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
