I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
