We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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