Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
