i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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