I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
