you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
