Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
