In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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