the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
