Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
