let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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