dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
