oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
