just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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