Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
