She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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