I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Swine flu. Run for my life!
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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