I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
