I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
