now i know why i became what i already was.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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