Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
