we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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