don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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