respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
OPIZZABONMYDICK
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
