Already got asked if we're dating
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
