I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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