Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
