You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
