god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
