just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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