It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
