I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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