dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
if only i could text you this smell
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
